God Whispers

You would think a calling from God, his breath infusing my story, would be enough.

I am once again fighting the fear of an unknown threat. I have a list of goals outlined in scarlet ink running down the page—tasks I want to accomplish to complete the next step along the journey. I have a design appointment for my first memoir coming up, and there is still so much to do.

Why do some people embrace and complete the dream with fearless gusto, while I still take each step up the hill, dragging a mixed jumble of wreckage behind me? When do I finally get released from the procrastination and preoccupation that have been used as a weapon to put off the very moment I have dreamed of for years? I know of spiritual warfare and feel disappointed that it still has a bite—practice, not Perfection.

You would think a calling from God, his breath infusing my story, would be enough. Thoughts hurl at me like stones while I sort to find my notes on the back cover blurbs. Am I too old? What if people judge me after I publish this memoir? What if it is published and it is not the spiritual inspiration I believe it to be?

Another push on my psyche reminds me that I have not updated my website, my email lists, or even posted a blog since late Fall. I want to excuse it away, and while working full-time, the holidays are definitely a time suck, but I know better. False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR) has gripped me again in a habitual dance.

Another list sits alongside my laptop, written through prayer and meditation. It is a cascade of words pointing out the people, places, and commitments that no longer serve my highest good. I wince when I realize how much time and energy these empty wells have cost me, dropping my empty bucket down only to bring up dust. I pray to be released from the mistaken belief that serving these worthwhile distractions is what defines me. Sadly, they define me the minute I lose my connection with God. The minute I turn back to revisit them once again.

Goodbyes are hard, but hellos are bright with promise and intentions. We can practice “As If” today by taking the right action and asking God to create a space for new behaviors to grow—acting as if the qualities you see yourself as having are yours today. This practice is not denial or turning away in shame; it is a practice of faith and letting go. Picture yourself taking one of your goodbyes and placing it in the hands of God—one day at a time, one step at a time.

God whispers.

The spiritual journey continues with a lighter pack; directions stowed just for today.

Pg. 86 of the AA Big Book Upon Awakening- Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2001)

Reflection

Open your ears, God, to my prayer; don’t pretend you don’t hear me knocking. Come close and whisper your answer. I really need you…  Psalms 55:1-3 (MSG)