Honorable Excuses
Hearing God's call amidst the brokenness
Hello
Dawn Okrasinski is a writer and blogger living in the great Northwest. Married with two children and seven grandchildren, she has spent years healing and celebrating recovery from childhood trauma, addiction, and the bondage of self while traveling a spiritual road potholed with unworthiness and uncertainty. She has spent over 30 years working with other women in her career, community, and church, navigating the world God is calling us to while letting go of old baggage and honoring the imperfections that shape us.
The Blog That Birthed Honorable Excuses
When will I be sure of my path? Or is mine the only one that zigzags? I kept seeing potential perched on the hill and strove toward it, only to veer off in another direction. I saw many people creating, achieving, and living their best lives. Yet, I could never seem to experience what I saw in others. Not the Fake Book others, the ones quietly moving forward with confidence as they published, painted, and created ripples of inspiration for the many who continue to journey with their spiritual directions clutched in hand.
To be clear, this is no quest for glittering gold. It is just an honest request from me to God. Am I supposed to be doing something else? Because that sneaky old tape that winds its way through my self-esteem still asks, "Is this it, God?" And the committee of idiots in my head questions: Where is the book God asked you to write? What happened to the devotional outline? You turned down another speaking engagement? I considered a more challenging question: Why didn't I feel worthy of doing what I desired? The very thing God kept calling me to do.
One day, Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) jumped off the page of my bible: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, and plans to give you hope, and a future. I heard in my heart, Dawn, you have become adept at using honorable excuses to avoid me.
Honorable Excuses looks lovely on the outside. Who could question the good works of a humble woman serving God? I was helping others, facilitating meetings, coordinating the church's functions, sponsoring women in recovery, jumping from job to job to earn more, and advancing my career. I shone authentically when I was helping my family or the community. Yet, inside, I felt frustration, resentment, and sadness as once again I committed to another project which turned me away from reaching the treasure I desired.
God had sent people, opportunities, lessons, and much more each time I had asked for direction. Each time, though, I chose serving others to dodge the fear of failure and shame I was sure would come my way if I listened to my heart. My self-esteem was a shroud of unworthiness causing me to feel self-serving and selfish if I chose myself.
Realizing what I was doing stopped me in my tracks. I prayed for change and a different path. I began to say "no" more to others, and "yes" to a whole new journey filled with fear, reconciliation, and a God who wanted more for me than I could ever dream.